Something to do With My Hands
by Nea-writes
Summary: Kanda can't stand some of Allen's habits, but since they aren't really dating he doesn't have a say in them. Kanda loved Alma and Allen loved Link, and all of this was just something to keep each other company, that's all.


Allen only smokes when something is horribly wrong. Fake Dating AU topped with a little angst and sprinkling of denial.

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 _Something to do with my hands_

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Kanda found Allen in their living room, curled up against the arm of their sofa and watching the rain through their balcony windows. The ashtray on the coffee table already had a few snubbed out - it was one of Allen's more detestable habits that he'd pick up from Cross, a guilty pleasure of Allen's, much like most of his vices were. Anything Mana would've abhorred that Allen did became an almost fanatical pleasure to achieve - as if the worse he was, the more reason existed for Mana having left him.

Allen was something to be pitied, but Kanda did not pity. Yet, in that breathless moment, when he'd moaned Alma's name against Allen's neck, Kanda had.

"What?" Allen asked, eyes not here or there but in-between, lost in his thoughts. Still, he shifted to face Kanda directly, loose white shirt falling further open, and though he didn't say a thing or make any kind of indication Kanda still felt the full weight of his guilt under that heavy gaze.

He licked his lips and looked away, focusing on the rain. Allen sighed, and Kanda winced as he heard him shuffle, the familiar crinkle of cigarettes being moved around, black slacks smooth on their leather seats.

They were back to playing the same game, and this was why Kanda had been against the whole idea from the start. It was impossible to not have feelings with Allen - he was a bleeding heart, in his own words a "small man." Except, Kanda had thought Allen's love for Link was strong enough to override any kind of physical affection they might develop.

It was the same damn game, over and over, played a million different ways. Kanda pushed and Allen gave, gave and gave until there was nothing left of him except the taste of cigarettes on his tongue and black hollowed out eyes smiling a pretty lie.

Kanda was a selfish man - he lived only for himself (had for someone else, but that someone was gone, cold, dead and-) but even he knew he had gone too far. The way Allen had stilled underneath him, almost frozen, the way he smiled when Kanda jerked back to look at him, Alma's name burning on his lips.

"What I said..." Kanda was a selfish man but he was an honest one - however, admissions of guilt never came easy to anyone.

"Does it matter?" Allen asked, smoking escaping dry lips. He abruptly stood, crossing the few feet to the balcony doors and sliding them open. Wet summer rain rushed in, coating Kanda's skin uncomfortably and mixing with dried sweat, Allen's scent. "We're not really together, anyways. It's just a pity fuck."

Because Allen loved Link and Kanda loved Alma, and neither of them could have them.

One was cold and the other dead, and did it make a difference?

Allen knew Kanda's heart was gone just like Kanda knew Allen's was - the sex, the love, the apartment, the familiar smell on each other - all of it was just for comfort, for relief, to avoid nagging dads and empty beds.

Kanda knew this, Allen knew this, but somehow some way, along the line, things had gotten all fucked up, and Kanda didn't know how to fix what he couldn't even tell was broken.

Allen laughed, and it reminded Kanda of all the nights he'd spent at Allen's side in countless bars and gambling dens, watching deft fingers lay winning cards down, drag across velvet greedily as he raked cash in, saw and relished in the smug grin, dark eyes, drowning under lips and tongue that tasted like cigarettes and cheap beer. Of the nights where Allen was cruel and rough, taking back from Kanda what he always always gave.

Allen laughed, and Kanda remembered that someone had taken his kind heart and easy smile and trampled on it until all that remained was the liar, the cheat, the smell of cigarettes that Kanda couldn't fucking stand.

"It's just fucking," Allen cajoled, crossing the room to come near Kanda, smile gleaming and eyes glittering. "God knows we're both thinking of someone else when we come - what does it matter if you say it?"

 _It does,_ Kanda thought. _It does, it does!_ Because the thought of Allen moaning Link's name was enough to set his nerves on fire, his hands clenching, and God knew Kanda would rip Link apart if he ever set a hand on Allen.

Allen tilted his head to the side and back, pursuing his lips in a mockery of a kiss as he blew out the smoke, a horrible habit reminiscent of Cross. It was almost grossly feminine, but like most of Allen's subtle tics it made him all the more enchanting.

He was close enough for Kanda to feel the warmth of his body, and even all the scars on his chest didn't deter him from tracking the length of him down. Allen took Kanda's hand, pressing it flat against him and dragged it down, until it rested low on his abdomen, and fire burned low in Kanda's stomach.

Allen grinned wickedly, pulling away to stub his cigarette out and coming back to wind his arms around Kanda's neck, pressing obscenely and intimately close. Kanda's hand rested on his hips, holding him, and he hated the smell of cigarettes but he loved the taste of it on Allen's tongue, and it reminded him, of all the things he couldn't stand about Alma but loved anyways.

 _I hate his smoking,_ Kanda thought, forced backwards by Allen and wincing when his back hit a door frame, Allen taking the moment to divest him of his shirt, blunt nails scraping his collar bone as he yanked at the collar.

 _I hate his fake smiles,_ he pushed off and Allen allowed him, leading them to the bed even as they paused to pull off Allen's shirt.

 _I hate his lying,_ Kanda pushed Allen down first, straddling him, sharing open-mouthed kisses as Allen pulled and pulled at his hair, cruel as he always was when he tasted of cigarettes.

 _I hate how he loves Link,_ and Kanda gasped when Allen flipped him over, shoving his back against the bed and bearing his hips down on Kanda's, lazy, indulgent, hungry in his smile.

Kanda could almost hate him, but all of it was for comfort, for relief, to avoid nagging dads and empty beds - all of it was on no uncertain terms that Allen loved Link and Kanda loved Alma, but it was wrong. It was hateful, hurtful, passionate, and Allen burned Kanda's mind clean of anyone else when he was rough like this.

Alma had been soft, kind, easy - but like this, Allen was nothing like Alma, and it reminded Kanda that he shouldn't even be comparing them in the first place.

He loved Alma and he settled with Allen. That's all it was.

Afterwards, Allen left the bed again, unlike the normal after sex touches and soft kisses, and Kanda couldn't help but feel that it was his fault.

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 **A/N:** Not a nice fic haha! This is the... trial? for a much longer Fake Dating AU. I just really wanted to explore this idea I had about Allen and smoking. I wonder if I got it across well?

Also posted on AO3


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